The Little Foxes (Part 2)

Suzy and Tommy and Billy and Mary were good friends and both couples had their wedding dates set on the calendar for the same year. However, Billy and Mary’s big day was several months after Suzy and Tommy’s.  The couples enjoyed double dating and dreaming about their futures together as Mr. and Mrs. As they chatted over dinner, the ladies would practice writing their soon to be last names on the napkins as they dreamily discussed everything from how many kids they wanted down to what kind of dishwashing soap was their favorite. Likewise, the guys would talk shop, the garage, and future tool purchases. Suzy and Tommy’s wedding was first and it was beautiful. A fairytale wedding for sure. After the couple settled into a home and married life, the couples continued to get together, but the conversations were much different. Billy and Mary were still gooshy excited for their up and coming wedding date, but they quickly noticed that the conversations with their friends about a dreamy future were no more. What happened? Why this sudden change?

If you haven’t had a chance yet, please read 3 Little Foxes.

• One

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

Sometimes, I don’t think we feel the weight of what God was instituting in this first marriage. In particular, husbands and wives seem to gloss over or minimize this “one flesh.” To do so is to invite the little fox into the vineyard. 

This “one flesh” is not simply speaking of the sexual union (While it is that, it is also more than that.) The term flesh here in Genesis is referring to the totality of one’s person. To become “one flesh” is to operate the marriage with a totality of oneness. We are to complete and complement each other. The two constitute a whole. This oneness can then be seen as the strength it is intended to be. Each spouse bringing who God has made them to be into the marriage relationship.

We are one in every way!

Beware of the little fox that wants to keep you from being one!

Kim and I have one budget. We might have multiple bank accounts and yet, we have one. Meaning we don’t have his and her accounts. We don’t have her money and his money; we have our money that we determine how it will get spent. Because we are one.

We have two cell phones but they are one in that they belong to us. Meaning, they are not private phones. I do not have a password and neither does she. In a sense, my phone belongs to her and her phone belongs to me. To think otherwise is to not think of oneness. A password that is used to keep one’s spouse out is a fox that has come to destroy the vineyard! The minute a spouse says, “Hey, that’s my phone and it is my business,” is the minute the two are no longer one.

There is no…. “This is my cell phone.”  It is our cell phone and he/she has every right to look at our texts that we have received on our phone. There is no, “That’s none of your business.” No, it is her business and it is his business because we are married, we are one!    

Furthermore, while we might say, “I am looking forward to my time.” The reality is that we don’t have any my time. Even my time is in actuality, our time. Sure, there is a legitimate time when I want to go play a sport or she wants to snag coffee with a friend. But, the marriage that demands, this is my time, don’t touch it!” Is the marriage that invites the little fox to begin to ravage the vineyard.

Consider: My time is our time, even when we are not together.  

• Seasons

There are seasons that are difficult but, recognize when the season is no longer a season and instead it has become your life.  

It has been helpful at different times during our marriage when Kim and I recognized that what we thought was a season…. isn’t. Seasons are something that has a start and an end. The sooner we realize that what we are calling a season is actually a permanent rut, the better. Unless we make needed adjustments we are headed for vineyard destruction.

• Drifting

The couple who thinks that they will never experience relational drifting is the couple that finds those little foxes to be cute and cuddly. “Let’s feed them!”

Drifting in marriage happens! Your marriage is not immune to the drift.

I grew up surfing. Drifting was a normal part of the day. Sometimes it was fierce and occasionally dangerous. Usually, it was mild and often imperceptible. This is the kind of drifting that couples often neglect. The slow drift is sometimes the most dangerous to the marriage. In the slow drifting marriage, the couple begins to take each other for granted, make assumptions about each other’s motives, major on the minors, and grow sloppy about pursuing and granting forgiveness.

Have you noticed that marriage typically fails not in the extremes but in the mundane? The newlyweds who think that this drifting could never come to their marriage are in for a rude awakening.

A good marriage doesn’t just happen. It isn’t natural. Drifting is natural, it requires no effort to drift. On the other hand, to fight the drift requires deliberate effort. Which leads me to the next little fox.   

• Laziness

Did you know that laziness can cloak itself in busyness? It’s true! Sometimes people stay busy just so they don’t have to do the harder work of building the relationship. If I work longer I can have the appearance of being a hard worker and being busy when in reality I might not want to do the harder work of chasing those foxes out of the vineyard. (That is a cloaked version of laziness.)

Marriage requires deliberate effort!  

I passed by the field of a sluggard, by the vineyard of a man lacking sense, and behold, it was all overgrown with thorns; the ground was covered with nettles, and its stone wall was broken down.

Then I saw and considered it; I looked and received instruction. A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and poverty will come upon you like a robber, and want like an armed man.

Proverbs 24:31

The life of the sluggard allows for overgrown thorns. Proverbs is saying that the garden that is filled with thorns is a reflection of life. The marriage “garden” is full of weeds because we don’t want to deal with the mess. I have been guilty many times of this laziness. Recognize, it might be time to do some weeding!  

Consider the relationship prior to marriage. All the romance, love letters, pursuit of each other, lavish spontaneous gifts, speaking lovingly, assuming the best of each other, the thrill of holding hands and walking the mall, thinking of him or her every waking minute, and the list goes on. 

And then we marry. Do we actually think that all of that can stop without it affecting the relationship? Laziness walks into the vineyard, assumptions crawl in to devour the vines, and we take each other for granted. Kind and affectionate words are replaced with impatience and anger. Faults that were once joyfully overlooked are now stored on the hard drive of our minds.

For love’s sake, we once put to death laziness, but now we pursue it. We once felt I don’t deserve you, but now we start to think, I deserve better!  

A Gospel Thought

Christ never drifts in his love for His bride, the church. His love is steadfast and immovable. Christ never takes you for granted nor has His love been lazy toward you. He was and is laser-focused on His enduring love for you. He will never leave you or forsake you!  

Interested in digging a little deeper? Click below and check out Paul Tripp’s excellent book.