Hopelessness and Fear – God is Faithful

By Lea Lockhart

When we walked into the Oncologists Office building, I was hit with a heavy sense of hopelessness and fear that filled the place. There were 3 guys, a lady and us in a waiting hallway to the side just before you go in to see the doctor. It reminded me of waiting outside the principal’s office. What’s going to happen?

The lady was an amputee and was struggling to hop on one leg with a walker until they got her a wheel chair. She was alone and started crying when they told her that she was scheduled for 25 treatments. I felt so sad for her, as it was apparent that she was scared.

When the guys saw Allen in his back brace, they started talking about it. One guy pipes up and says, “yeah, my back was all messed up and I told them, you aren’t cutting on my back, and then this happened”. We assumed he meant cancer. He went on to say how the Dr. compared one MRI to another and the second one found nothing wrong with his back. He said, “the doctor didn’t know what to think and neither did I.”  I spoke up from 7 seats away and said, “sounds like a God thing to me.” He glanced in my direction but kept on as if I said nothing. 

I was thinking “God these people need you, they need hope.” One by one we would see people go in to the doctor’s office and then come out and head in the direction to either get chemo or to exit. We couldn’t see which way they went, but each one looked in our direction as they passed. The silence and upspoken sadness had returned. I looked at Allen and he looked at me. What would we find out in the next few minutes? I could only see Allen’s eyes because of the masks we were wearing. I kept praying, God, please don’t let this be cancer. 

It had been the longest 2 ½ weeks up to that moment. Two and a half weeks ago, Allen had a nuclear bone scan to see what was up with the bone lesion that they found on his pelvic bone just prior to his back surgery. We were a bit shocked when they said the lesion was active, meaning it had absorbed the dye. His spine Doctor told him they were referring him to an oncologist. So, Allen went in to the oncologist appt alone while I sat in the car. That was hard. He came out and told me that they did a bunch of blood work and that the doctor thinks its definitely cancer. He said the dr kept talking about how he needed to find the source of it. Allen not really understanding even what a lesion was, didn’t understand what he was meaning by the source. He wrote Allen’s family history down and implied it may be one of those.  He wrote the diagnoses on Allen’s chart that said “secondary malignant neoplasm of the bone.” 

Our whole world stopped for a minute when Allen told me what the doctor said…. It was like a car stalled out. After a few minutes, I came back to reality and God brought to mind the 20 plus years of sitting in church and hearing solid teaching of who my God is. I had the thought of “Ok Lea, this is what you have been training for. Here we go. I know that God is sovereign, faithful, trustworthy, he’s our healer, and that His plan is perfect. God is good all the time.

We told others and asked for prayer. This has been a challenge during this pandemic with the social distancing and no church meetings in our church building. However, we experienced body ministry in a few different ways. Tim Costello called to stop by for a few minutes. Keeping with the social distancing guidelines, he sat 6’ away and he prayed for Allen. That was so kind. We said thank you, and I followed him out the door spraying Lysol. 

Kim Merwin began to, in a sense, walk with me on this journey of the unknown future by praying for me daily. She’d send me words of encouragement from scripture. She sent me songs, humor, and told me it’s ok to cry and cried with me. She spoke truth to me. I was not alone. I was on the receiving end, but I was also learning what it’s like to walk with someone struggling and to help carry their burden to the Lord.. 

Things became a bit more serious when we got Allen’s blood work back with 2 areas being mildly high which could point to something being seriously wrong. Let’s just say, Google is not a healthy thing to research on when going through something like this. I encourage others to run to God’s word and not Google. 

So, we waited for the day of our appt. It’s amazing what becomes important in your life. You say “I love you a little more, caring for your loved one becomes more of a joy. Pettiness falls to the way side and God’s word becomes most important.  And we missed our church so much. 

I am so thankful for the teaching we’ve received over the years and the steady diet made available to us. I’m praying for my pastors and elders more these days, as they serve us so well. 

My Community group was also praying for us. I had asked them if they would consider fasting and praying the morning of this Dr. appt. when we’d find out definitively whether it was cancer or not. I was humbled that they would do this for us. 

So back to the waiting room… they called us to the room. We walked in and sat down. The Dr walked in behind us and said, “did you get your biopsy done?” Allen was like “NOoooo”. The Doctor went over and picked up the New MRI report and looked at his blood work report for a bit. Then he calmly said, “This is not cancer, and you have nothing to worry about!!! We couldn’t believe what we were hearing. Praise the Lord!!!! Tears of joy, a mask and steamed up glasses… that was as sight. I wanted to yell from the roof top “Thank you Jesus!”  I was quickly reminded of the greatest gift I’ve ever received from the Lord… My salvation. May my passion for my Savior grow. 

Then walking out of the doctor’s office, I felt a twinge of guilt as I passed all those hopeless looking people. I was humbled by God’s kindness. John Piper wrote a book called “Don’t waste your Cancer” which you can now find on PDF. Now, I want to say, “Don’t waste your cancer scare”. As grateful as I am, I want this burden and this desire to care for these hopeless people to linger and grow into fruit. 

Allen is doing well and we couldn’t be more grateful. We are so thankful for our church, God’s word taught and our church family and most importantly God’s grace and mercy in our life. We can’t wait to be together again.

 God is faithful…. Lea