Why Am I Intimidated By Others

Uncovering some tricky stumbling blocks along life’s path.

By Kim Merwin

I remember being so excited to gather with other women and discuss  growing in godly womanhood. I was 29, with two children, had been a  Christian for 14 years. We would meet tonight at 7pm! I had my Bible and notebook, I was filled to the brim with expectation. I would learn from these ladies and with them. New sisters in Christ! I couldn’t wait! Little did I know what lay ahead.  

Excuse me, “What did you say?” As we sat down and began sharing, it felt like we were all so similar and all in the same boat. I like boats! 

As it was, our husbands were taking a 9 month theological training course in Maryland. This small group provided a wonderful opportunity of focus and growth as well for all the women. Thrilled, we went around and began to share. Questions came and ladies began to open up, perspectives on this subject, a scripture on that, knowing God this way and before I knew it, this boat was rocking and I was getting dizzy. You see, new words and concepts like sanctification, omnipotence, complementarian  were being talked of. New phrases like “applying the gospel to your parenting,” “sharing evidences  of grace in your life” and a variety of excellent books were recommend that some had read by the Puritans. Quotes from  amazing men like Charles Spurgeon, John Piper and Jerry Bridges were coming like waves fast and  strong. And lastly, the Scriptures that had impacted them! The explanations came with really deep incites and godly heart change. I was a bit overwhelmed I think my head went under water a few times and I gasped for a breath, taking in all the new words, thoughts, honesty, depth and more. It truly was beautiful and yet I felt like they were speaking a different language. “Excuse me, ‘What did you say?’ ”  

My Great Efforts  

Time flew by! Weeks became months and I found that my heart that had so desired to be full of the Lord was “desiring” some other things as well.  

I had come from a background that was void of theses new words, phrases, authors and biblical concepts. I wanted to understand, but I now see I was really intimidated. I needed a plan. I decided  that to not be afraid of this new language, I could learn I’m just a bit behind, that’s all. I just need to WORK HARDER. This was my great strategy! So, I began my training, I would learn the big words, quotes and great authors. I would keep up with these ladies and become a part of the conversation that seemed to allude me with its rich vocabulary and deep precepts. Ugg…where would I find the time? I had two small children, my home to manage, meals to make and a new homeschool kindergartener to educate. So my working harder, aka striving, commenced. It didn’t take long to grow weary. And when you get tired and worn down, it’s easy to get discouraged and fall to temptation and miss the stumbling blocks right in front of you. Believe me…I’m a pro. My great efforts  to work harder were wearing thin and with blurry eyes I staggered on.  

My Great Fall

Late summer is a wonderful time to arrive in Maryland! Everything is green, the ponds sparkle, the cool breezes blow and the rolling hills lull you into thinking ‘I need to move here!’ Especially if you come from a fiercely flat Florida. A brilliant fall begins to mount!

Daily a variety of shrubs transform into the brightest crimsons, so vibrant they seem to be on fire, while trees dressed in yellows, oranges and reds fill the skyline. I daily felt like I was driving through some heavenly photograph. Finally, all of the leaves begin to fall. It was just about this time that I fell too. 

My hard working willpower was fizzling out and I began to grow discontent with my progress, defeated with my understanding of Scripture and discouraged in my lack of depth to communicate. I didn’t realize it then, it is hard to see clearly when you are stumbling around trying to look like you are not, but I was craving a lot of things and my motives were really mixed up. Now I see clearly that my heart struggling with these key things. 

• Fear of Man – I now see that I was really intimidated by a group of the sweetest ladies ever. The truth is, they were just being “who they were,” walking in the grace and truth God had given them. I was just feeling so out of place and really like the stupidest person in the room. Unfortunately, I don’t  do well with being in last place. Driven by fear and pride, I was setting myself up for some dark days. [Fear of Man is where you fear others opinion of you and many times it leads us to desire to impress them instead of love & honor God only with our lives.]  

• Anger – Why am I even here, hundreds of miles away from my home? I miss my family & my friends, my church and the security of “my life,” where I seemed strong and steady. I feel so weak here. It doesn’t seem like I’m really growing at all. Why won’t you change me Lord!? I want to be wise and full of understanding, I  want to be, I want… I want… I want! [I was clearly angry towards God. He had led us here and now I  was not happy. I blamed Him for my struggling heart. I would allow this sin to permeate and it  gave way to other sins. Anger does not want to be alone.]  

• Jealousy – After weeks of thinking the ladies were amazing, my heart began to sin by becoming jealous  of all they knew and what I didn’t. I no longer rejoiced at the beautiful things God had shown them, I just judged them and wished I had their beautiful things, a richer marriage, deeper understandings and, and, and. I now see this was not about God changing me, this was about me impressing others?  

Yep, I was really falling hard. [Jealousy is kind of like greed, it wants what others have and turns against those who “have” what it wants. It is very  selfish and does not “rejoice with others,” but it “craves what they have.” 

• Pride – What began as a heart to learn, quickly turned into a heart of pride. I wanted to be the sharpest lady in the room. Sorry to say it, but I wanted to have the best quotes, best incites into Scripture, the best counsel for the situation, the best words of wisdom, the best understanding of the topic… but I didn’t.  My pride reeled. I was lower than the other ladies in my eyes because I didn’t know what they knew.  This affected my love for God – He was not changing me quick enough! This affected my love for the  ladies. Did I only want to be with ladies I could feel superior to? So my pride was a huge stumbling block and I didn’t even see it. Pride blinds. Pride lies to you. I was full of pride. 

• Self-Sufficiency – I grew up for 20 years in the home of two of the hardest working people I know – my amazing parents. If it was broken, my dad fixed it or made a new one. If it was a mess, my  mom cleaned it and it sparkled. Each of their four children learned to work hard and we saw the  benefits of it. I had transferred this “hard work” ethic into my Christian life and believed that I could change my heart if I worked hard enough. True growth just doesn’t work out exactly like that, I’ll explain later. 

• I could list so many more sins that I stumbled through…judging people critically, unkind thoughts,  gossip, complaining, arguing with God, accusing God of not being good, challenging God’s plan and timing on so many fronts. I remember feeling like my heart was a huge black blob. 

The Darkest of Winters  

As a believer with the Holy Spirit living inside of me, I am never alone and I am blessed beyond measure that He brings conviction, He speaks truth and He counsels his children to great joy even in the darkest of winters.  

Naturally, winter is very cold and this year it was colder which paired well with the coldness in my heart. I remember crying a lot and asking God to show me my heart. He did. It was a dark heart and filled with many sins. Yet even while he revealed my sin He never left me. I began to repent and see day by day. I began to grieve my sins and ask the Lord to forgive me. I attended an Attributes of God class the church offered and began to see that what I needed first was a growing  understanding of God through His Word. He would begin to build a strong foundation. He had a plan to grow me into a humble, joyful, godly woman that was rooted in Him, His Word and a genuine  relationship with Him not an impressive orator, but a disciple of Christ.  

Only weeds grow as quick as I wanted to grow and I began to see that He was not that kind of Gardener. Too much Miracle Grow is toxic to the plants. For all those gardeners out there…you know that!  HE was growing a strong tree, one that resembles Psalms 1, “a tree planted by streams of water that  yields it fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither.” 

Joy Comes As God Leads the Way  

He Makes All Things New! 

2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed  away. Behold, the new has come!”  

One great joy I have embraced since becoming a follower of Christ is the gift of repentance. The “new” comes through a humble heart that asks forgiveness when you sin. This has become a daily and regular  part of my life. It is a continuing joy to humble myself and repent…and the peace He gives his children who come to Him.  

I John I:9 “If you confess your sins, he is faithful and just to forgive you and cleanse you from all  unrighteousness.”

Who does what? I confess and mean it…he fulfills the parts I cannot…He forgives, He  is faithful, He cleanses. It’s amazing! Envy, Anger and Jealousy live within us all. The question is, when they come and speak lies to you, will you believe them? I did. I believed lies like: 

God has blessed these women more than me. 

They probably look down on me and my shallow answers. 

I want the level of understanding they have. I want it! I want it! I want it!  

Learning to trust God’s timing and learning to confess my sins to God & others has freed me from its power. I know God loves me and I know He is growing me at His pace and in His ways. I love what  He is doing in others lives and I want to learn from them. My thoughts may be different than theirs, but my guess is that one day, they too were learning the things I am and they are excited for me because they  love God and they love me! I still may struggle with different levels of fearing others, craving wisdom and more, but now I see the trouble it creates. I am choosing to trust God with my growth rate and I know He is the Chief Gardener and He will tend my life in the best ways.  

Sanctification is the action or process of being freed from sin or purified. The bible is clear:  I will be sanctified by God’s Word 

Jesus speaks to the Father:

John 17:15-19 I am not asking that You take them out of the world, but that  You keep them from the evil one. They are not of the world, just as I am not of the world. Sanctify them by the truth; Your word is truth. As You sent Me into the world, I have also  sent them into the world. For them I sanctify Myself, so that they too may be sanctified by the  truth.  

What I can do is immerse my life in the Word of Truth (God’s Word) and his very word will sanctify me. I will be sanctified by the Spirit of God 

1 Thessalonians 5:23 Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your  whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord  

The New Testament reveals over and over how the Father, Son and Holy Spirit will sanctify us and grow us. It is not my great joy to live in the knowledge that “I press on” and yet He does the heart change and opens my eyes in His time. I love growing now! I hope you will too. Repent! Enjoy your life in Christ  friend! Time is short and He is the best Lord and Savior.